Got to pay your dues if you wanna sing the blues--and you know it don't come easy

'Where to begin?--that was the question at what point to make the first mark? One line placed on the canvas committed her to innumerable risks, to frequent and irrevocable decisions. All that in idea seemed simple became in practice immediately complex; as the waves shape themselves symmetrically from the cliff top, but to the swimmer among them are divided by steep gulfs, and foaming crests. Still the risk must be run; the mark must be made.' 

(From To the Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf)

My worst habit, if you can call it that, is my inability to collect all the ends of my whims and goals together to make a tight bundle, a neat ball of yarn from which to weave something solid and certain, so that I am left always harebrained, chasing after a confused assortment of loose threads. I lack focus. It's difficult for me to organise myself properly. I find it hard to plod determinedly after one goal, instead becoming quickly frustrated when I'm unable to achieve perfection instantly, right from the very first step. I'm alarmed by the first untidy splatters of paint on the canvas and, disappointed and dismayed, forgetting the larger picture my strokes will eventually make, give up easily. I drop one thread to chase some other fresh and promising plan. Of course, inevitably, I trip: I become entangled in the muddle of different aspirations and projects I've let fall slack at my feet, and end up a sorry, harried mess. I achieve nothing.

If the first step to solving a problem like this is identifying it--what then is the second? I think I need to learn to pursue my goals more doggedly, even when certain steps along the way seem dreary and dull. It's not that I'm afraid to work hard. What I'm frightened of is failure, of aiming for perfection and missing the mark. Perhaps I need to lower the bar, though, and just get to it. As long as I insist on perfection or nothing, I'll always be disheartened by whatever efforts I make. Perhaps, too, there's something to be said for working hard to be good--no, excellent--at one or two things, rather than merely competent at a vast number of things. Yes, it's admirable to be highly accomplished in many fields, but it's not necessarily realistic to assume that I'll be able to attain greatness in everything I do if I choose to go after too many tasks or ideas all at once. 

For now, with exams and deadlines looming, I need first to centre myself and focus my mind on the jobs directly at hand, one at a time. I've tripped again, yes. I still don't seem to have learnt my lesson this year, and I've taken on too much, become ensnared. I want to berate myself and weep dramatic tears of frustration, and yet, really, if I'm honest: there's nothing much to do but get up. I know why I've fallen, and it's time to fix it so that it won't happen again (or at least, so as to ensure that my next tumble won't be quite so spectacular!). Focus, focus, focus. 

Under the weather

Someone once advised me to listen to this song, knowing I needed to be lifted out of a dreary mood, and they were right: it never, ever fails to cheer me up, or at least to reassure me that I'll be able to carry on through an awful day! 

The same is true of this next lovely thing, which feels to me like the word equivalent a big warm hug:

Desiderata, Max Erhmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

A few things I love right now

1. The Balenciaga fragrance

It seemed ridiculously expensive, but I bought this lovely scent at David Jones to cheer myself up on the weekend when I was feeling unwell and the weather was a little grey. It's gorgeous.

2. My Kindle

This really is a marvelous gadget and I'm glad that I pushed my reluctance to abandon paper and ink to one side for a moment when I pressed the 'buy' button on Amazon. I still love the smell of 'real' books, the rustle of paper and the way it crinkles in your hands as a story becomes well loved. My Kindle is great, though. I've been able to download a load of free classics and buy more books than I would have before, because as my collection has grown (most of it is stored at my mum's house, because I just can't fit it in my tiny apartment), both my wallet and the free spaces I have around the house have shrunk. It's much nicer to read on than I'd expected and I've bought a lovely, old fashioned looking cover to house it in that makes it feel a little more familiar, like a 'proper' book. Amazon can be a bit of a pain if you're in Australia, like me, and need to use a few tricks to circumvent the publisher restrictions that have been placed on what's available to us here, but there are also great resources like ManyBooks.net out there. With the way the Australian dollar is at the moment, the Kindle is definitely an affordable gadget, too. I love it!

3. The slightly cooler weather around here

Well, it's at least twenty or even thirty or so degrees warmer than the weather depicted above must be, but just when I was complaining that Winter was well and truly gone and that we'd missed out on Spring, our temperatures have really been cooled down by all the rain we've been having recently. I love blazers and jackets, and consequently I always let myself get a little delusional about how 'cold' it is here when I spy one I like on a shopping trip, so I'm feeling glad to be able to dig out a couple of new ones I bought at the beginning of Spring and enjoy the last of the cooler days before Summer hits us hard. 

4. Country Road

I picked up this lovely little singlet for layering yesterday on my lunch break and I'm lusting after these simple but pretty pumps, which are gorgeous in real life. Country Road never lets me down for simple but stylish basics, and sometimes even standout pieces, when I'm in a bit of a style slump and wanting polished, laid-back pieces to get me through. I can be very, very girly in terms of my style, but lately I've been craving something different--pared back dressing, or alternatively bolder dressing, because I know I have a tendency get a bit pretty-pretty and precious with my outfits. I've actually been wearing jeans every now and then lately (simple dark denim skinnies, slightly higher waisted), so sick of my usual style am I.

 5. Love, as always

'I watched you walk across the street,

Slightly stooped, not seeing me,

And I smiled to see that mixture of

Clumsiness, grace, intensity.

Then suddenly I feared the cars,

The streets you cross, the days you pass,

You hold me as a glass holds water.

You can be shattered like a glass.'

(Dangerous World, Naomi Replansky)

Jumping in puddles

Sigur Rós - Hoppípolla from Sigur Rós on Vimeo.

It was my birthday last week, and I am now irremediably an adult--at least if you measure adulthood in terms of years lived, because no matter how old I get, I can't seem to shake the sensation that I'm really just a little girl playing dress up in heels far too big for her tiny feet. My apartment still feels something like a oversized cubby house every now and then! Time nonetheless seems to thunder on and my grown up to-do list mounts with each day that slips by. I work more hours than I perhaps should given my uni work load at the moment, but I really struggle to say 'no!', even when I can get by without the extra pocket money, because I worry tremendously about the way I'll be perceived if I come forward to admit that I've bitten off more than I can chew. The unfortunate result is that today I'm feeling really quite snowed under as deadlines loom larger. I'm a little run-down and, unsurprisingly, have succumbed to my first bout with the flu in well over a year, so I'm at home this morning, reading, sipping tea, and trying to coax myself into some gentle study. 

In my Internet travels earlier, I bumped into this video clip by Sigur Ros, a band I've always adored, and it cheered my weary grown up heart immeasurably. When life seems dreary and hum drum, I think it pays to remember that while responsibilities are irksome, you're never too old to jump in puddles, even when you're wearing your best and prettiest skirt, and even when on the way to accomplish important grown up errands. Billy Collins bemoans the loss of light and simplicity that comes with turning ten, but I should like to think that, however trite and corny a sentiment it might be, we need never forget the way magic used to feel. I, for one, still haven't quite given up on the idea of becoming a pirate or stumbling off on an unexpected adventure... And I certainly like to think that I'll always be able to see an elephant in a boa constrictor and not a bowler hat in this!:

'You tell me it is too early to be looking back,

but that is because you have forgotten

the perfect simplicity of being one

and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.

But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.

At four I was an Arabian wizard.

I could make myself invisible

by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.

At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.' 

(From On Turning Ten, by Billy Collins)

A list of my essentials, idea stolen from Sarah Wilson's blog and other lovely places, but modified very slightly for my own purposes! I don't fill out these sorts of things often, but this one really appealed to me, for some reason. Let's go:

1. What I wear

Well, I never wear pants, and jeans very seldom; I live in tights during Winter, because I feel most comfortable in dresses, skirts and pretty blouses. Striped tops, polka dots and white blouses and tees are a massive weakness of mine--I just can't resist crisp white for making me feel fresh and polished. I always love florals, and since Spring is my season (I read somewhere recently that Spring is a state of mind, and I couldn't agree more), at the moment I'm obsessed with pastels and blooms. I am also terribly attached to blazers, jackets and cardis. I have way too many for a girl living in Queensland.

2. What I eat

My very favourite food is the humble apple, particularly of the green and crunchy variety, but I love a Pink Lady or a massive Japanese Fuji, too. I also eat way too much chocolate (very, very dark, though), love to much on cereal and muesli, can pack away an impressive array of vegetables at a go, and would really hate to give up yoghurt. Green tea ice cream, fresh berries, watermelon, sushi and rice paper rolls are favourites, too.

3. How I hydrate

Water, mostly, but I always forget to drink as much as my body needs, which seems to be a ridiculous amount--about four litres a day! I'm also obsessed with tea, particularly vanilla green tea from T2 or any other good tea store, jasmine milk bubble tea with pearls, Earl Grey and English Breakfast. I love coffee but that's not so hydrating and I am incredibly picky about it so have it only a couple of times a week.

4. My favourite things to do when I'm a bit flat

Yoga always cheers and heals me. I love to do a strenuous class like RPM, followed by yoga, and then head out to explore and observe the world after a nice shower. I always feel so clearheaded and refreshed. 

5. My favourite smell

I adore jasmine and gardenia, the smell of a good book, baking bread and coffee.

6. My essential online aid

Instaper is pretty great, I must say.

7. What I do for fun

When in Japan, KARAOKE. It is not so fun here in Australia, though, where mostly I just like to hang out with friends, go exploring or head to the beach, which I love beyond all reasoning. Picnicking is also a lovely pursuit.

8. How I feel better

Taking time out to look after myself and get organised always makes me feel better. A big cup of tea and a few good hugs always help, too.

9. What nourishes me

I find that I need a good balance between spending time with the people I love and just being on my own. With uni and work at the moment, I probably spend a little more time in solitude than I would like, but I do really cherish having a few quiet mornings alone a week. I like to get up in my own time (usually ridiculously early, anyway), make a yummy, healthy breakfast, read the news, my favourite blogs or a book, and drink my tea slowly before getting ready. Even if this is all done in a relatively short space of time, just half an hour or so, I still feel so much better and less starved for a break from it all if I start my day like this. I really need to add a bit of yoga to my routine, though. 

10. What inspires me

Poetry! People around me. The world, even though it can be brutal.

11. My guilty pleasure

Chocolate! I have such a weakness. I try to stick to one or two squares of good quality, dark chocolate a day. It's just so good! Another big one is bags. I adore clothes and shoes, too, but bags are always good to you, if you can find the right one (or two, three or... ten)--they never hurt your feet and don't depend on whether or not you're having a fat day! I am really picky about what I like, mind you, and prefer quality over quantity. 

12. My favourite feelings

Being wrapped up in a big warm hug, especially if it is from a certain boy, and I can drift off to sleep safely. Sitting in the sun at that certain time of day--somewhere between 3.30 and 5.00 PM, usually--when the light slants just right, takes on that delicious golden tint and makes me feel like life and time are limitless. 

Pleased to meet you!

With another year tucked safely behind me, stored softly in my memory, I find myself changed yet again, and I thought that perhaps a new beginning with this often attempted, frequently aborted blog was in order. When I started out, I had intended to stick to fashion, thread and fabric, but love all three though I do, found that alone difficult to sustain, especially as I am much too shy for many (if any) outfit posts, and lack the camera skills, anyway. As incessant as my prattle tends to be in real life--or so I've been told!--I do really miss having a cosy space with which to fill those thoughts I want to siphon out and distill at a more leisurely pace before sharing them with a corner of the world. I'm hopeless at paper diaries, try as I might--I've been spoiled by the digital age, and I like knowing that there's that chance, sorely missing from paper and pen journaling, that someone, somewhere might respond.

And so here I am. I'm just a somewhat silly girl studying Arts and Law, hoping to graduate and maybe find a job that will let me help people some (hopefully not too) distant day in the future. I love fashion, books and poetry, design, breakfasts out... lots of things, really, and my favourite people especially! Pleased to meet you. xo

From On Living, by Nazim Hikmet:

'This earth will grow cold,
a star among stars
             and one of the smallest,
a gilded mote on blue velvet--
 I mean this, our great earth.
This earth will grow cold one day,
not like a block of ice
or a dead cloud even
but like an empty walnut it will roll along
 in pitch-black space . . .
You must grieve for this right now
--you have to feel this sorrow now--
for the world must be loved this much
                             if you're going to say "I lived". . .'